No One Speaks Quite Like You

Hello all,

How good is our God? A small thought.

Last night at small group we were talking about the Lost and what is our role as the church is. I love our small group because we bounce ideas off each other, learn from each other, and grow together. It's everything I love about small groups. Well we were talking and I was telling them about my fears and desires to tell people I work with, how much Jesus loves them. I feel like I have come up short in this area. I feel the weight of all of this on my shoulders and there isn't much left to do, simply because I'm out of time. Of course, me being me, I start crying, but not until after I have choked out what I wanted to say. Then in all of their encouragement, I begin to cry, silent tears. I just listen to their encouragement, and it didn't settle me. I loved listening to what they had to say, but the reality of Heaven and Hell has been so real, I couldn't be calm. I couldn't have peace knowing that people I really really care about may never spend eternity in Heaven. They said, "You can't save everybody." and cue the actual sobs, breathing hard and whatnot. Just look away. Then some sweet words, "I'm sure the way you live your life, people see Jesus."

Still no offense to these wonderful people, something wasn't sitting right, and I was still upset. I wasn't very comforted by their words. EVEN THOUGH they were good words, encouraging words, I just didn't want to hear it from them.

Then this morning, I was spending a lot of time with Jesus, well because I NEEDED to. It was wonderful just like it always is when I hang out with him. I came across this passage:

"But I thank God, who always leads us to victory. Wherever we go, God uses us to make clear what it means to know Christ. It's like a fragrance that fills the air. To God we are the aroma of Christ among those who are saved and among those who are dying. To some people we are a deadly fragrance, while to others we are life giving fragrance.  Who is qualified to tell about Christ? At least we don't go around selling an impure word of God like other. The opposite is true. As Christ's spokesmen and in God's presence, we speak the pure message that comes from God." 2nd Corinthians 2: 12-17

This is exactly what was spoken to me the night before, but the thing was missing was WHO spoke it to me.

No one speaks quite like you, God. Thank you Jesus, for the comfort and Your compassion.

Vivian

Urgency

Hi all,

This will be short and sweet. Mostly just a bit of thoughts being poured out. I can update those who don't know.

This past weekend Zane and I went to Atlanta. It was so stressful and so exhilarating at the same time. I guess our move hasn't felt as real as I thought it did. Driving around downtown/Midtown Atlanta all day Sunday and Monday was so exciting. And the greatest part, Zane is excited too! We found a few apartments we liked. We found one we absolutely adored, It was serious our dream apartment, but I would have to ask for my gallbladder back so I could sell it on the black market to afford paying a month's rent ;). We decided on an apartment, applied, (I had buyer's remorse), but they called me yesterday to say we were approved and were going to be sent a welcome letter today! That's so exciting!! I started dancing at work yesterday when I got the voicemail.

All the natural fears that come with moving somewhere new and very far away were very prominent. I was stressed to the max. Every prayer was always some version of "PLEASE let us find something we like and can afford." "PLEASE let us be okay with our decision." I don't know why this was such a big deal. When we decided on the apartment in Blacksburg we didn't even look at any of them. I just emailed with the lady, talk to Zane and said we'll take it. Atlanta is a different story. It's way to big to do that. Of course there are a lot more factors in this decision. So a trip was in order.

Of course, in my controlled state, I wanted this move to be just like the move to Blacksburg. I had a job offer of August of 2012; 5 months before I even moved there! Now, here we are a month away from moving and we don't have an apartment and I don't have a job. If anything this is the exact opposite of what our move to Blacksburg was like. This is scary but nice at the same time. I need to be challenged in my faith. I definitely don't lack the belief that God can provide for us, an apartment for us and a job for me, but I am lacking the belief of his timeline and will he. SO MANY things being taught to me. Trust in His timeframe. Trust in His workings. Trust in His control.

Then I begin to think who am I to discount God and all He has ever done. I am my own minister right now. Timehop, although is silly is rather good and bringing up memories of where God is faithful. I saw something I tweeted the other day, "If God fails me this time, it will be the first time." George Müller. Hello, present Vivian, listen to past Vivian. It will be the first time if God doesn't come through for us. And that is not in his nature, to disappoint, to lack, to fail. He is the fullness of Faith, Completion, Assurance, Hope, Success, Everything. He. Never. Disappoints.

Anyway, this move got me thinking, and I have a newfound sense of urgency. I think it is only the kind of urgency you are fully aware of when you have little time left. I remember this sense of urgency my last few weeks of High School, my last month or so of Auburn, and now, when I have 5 weeks left of my life here in Blacksburg. I think this one freaked me out more so than the other ones and I have no idea why. I think the past two I had some false sense of security, it may have even been a true sense of security. I was moving on to better things, just needed to tie up some loose ends. And those moments and those people in high school and college, I could see them again. And I probably will. But I was also excited about what is to come.  After High school, Auburn. After Auburn, marriage. Now I'm in Blacksburg, with not much to show for it (so it seems) and nothing really great as in it stands out(for me) in Atlanta. I felt so young in high school and college and now that I've lived in Blacksburg for 10 minutes I feel closer to 32 instead of the mere 22. I feel like I blinked in Blacksburg and now I'm moving again, and it's freaking. me. out. How is my time in Blacksburg already up? Didn't I JUST move here. Didn't I JUST get married? Didn't I JUST start my job at the gym? Didn't I JUST join a small group. Now that's all about to be gone. It's surreal.  And in a moment my life flashed before my eyes.

I don't want to grow up. I want to stay this age, with my husband. It's such a conundrum. I look forward to gray hairs and a life well lived with Zane. I look forward to children. I look forward to raising my babies and letting them see Jesus in only a way a child's innocence can. But not right now. Time moves to fast. I only have now. I only want now. I want time to slow down for goodness sakes. I want more time in Blacksburg with my friends. I want more time with my coworkers who make my day so much brighter. I don't want to blink and be five years down the road. Which is where my sense of urgency comes in. Time is moving to fast, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. I remember what Pastor Chris says and it rings truer in my ears now than ever before. "Heaven and Hell are a reality, and that should push you into ACTION." It's scary, and we/I need to do something about it. I am accountable to my sphere of influence.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

Let's go change the world.

Vivian

I have forgotten

Hi all,

Nothing new to report since last time. Just a small food for thought.

I have forgotten (temporarily) my dream and desires. I have gotten so caught up with work and finding a new job and a new apartment, I have forgotten everything I desire and all my dreams. And quite frankly, some amazing stuff that I could be apart of in Atlanta.

I had a conversation with a coworker today, which turned into me realizing I needed to remind myself often of my dreams. Current circumstances shouldn't hinder me from what I am passionate about.

Whatever is happening in life, and your dreams may be on the back burner, that is fine. BUT  never forget them. I have and almost cried tonight at work because of it.

One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 20:9  "But if I say, 'I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name, his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed I cannot.' " Sometimes I don't always feel this way, but as I recalled to my friend what I want to do with my life, I realized his fire is shut up in my bones. I cannot hold it in.

Dreams are a curious thing. Big dreams are a wonderful thing. I think big dreams are honoring to God. I read somewhere that said "if your dream is easily obtained, it is dishonoring to the Lord." Something along those lines. I'm thinking about my dreams right now. I am excited and nervous. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot do this on my own. I need a miracle from God to accomplish the things I want to do. I'm thinking of starting a "Dream wall" or something like that. Where I can write my dreams, see them everyday, pray for them, and work hard to achieve them. I'm not sure how I would go about doing something like that, but I need to be reminded daily of the passions inside me. To fight on my knees for the broken, and the homeless, and the weak.

I'll tell you a couple of dreams I have.

- I would love to partner up with someone to help stop human trafficking. I know I am not a bust the door down, grab the people out, and rescue them kind of person. I know that I love fiercely though. I want to be behind the scenes. I want to wait for women and children, and love them back to health. I want to show them Jesus and hope. I want to hug them and be there for them when they are all alone. It happens in the U.S. and they need someone to fight for them, and then someone to love them.

- I would love to start an organization that helps families who can not have children but want to have children adopt them. From the U.S., from China, for anywhere. EVERY CHILD deserves a home. I have no idea how this will happen, but I want to give aid to families who can't afford to adopt. It is ridiculous how much money it costs to bring a child into your home, especially from out of the country. There are mothers and fathers - to be, who will be great parents one day, and I want to help them have their dream.

- I want to take hundreds of high school and college students to China. I want them to see the beauty of that land. I want them to experience the Father like they have never done before in their entire lives. I want them to see the audacious faith of the Chinese who know the Father, who are worshippers of spirit and truth.

Currently right now, I have nothing towards these goal. No money, no ideas, no contacts, nothing. All I have are my knees, my words, and my heart. Those 3 things are the basis for anything to come to fruition. On my knees, the desires of my heart come through my words as I fight for the oppressed. Right now, in Blacksburg, VA, that is taking one step closer to the dreams.

I hope to never forget again.

Vivian

Public Announcement

Hello world,

Life has been rather slow. Aside from losing an organ, I should say. Recovery has been slower than I would anticipate. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I'm not sure if it's actual pain or just annoyance. I feel like I have pulled a muscle in my stomach after running 5 miles. But besides that I feel MUCH better. I'm back coaching. I missed my kiddos.

Now here is what you all have been waiting for....

Zane got a job at Georgia Tech! We are moving to Atlanta in December and he starts work the first Monday in January! I am so proud of him. This means we will be closer to both our families and closer to the beloved Auburn. Just in time for AU gymnastics :).

Personally, I'm rather frustrated. I feel like I am at the exact same place I was a year ago. It feels a little ridiculous. But this time I have another person to think about. Last year around this time, we had an apartment already here in Blacksburg. Zane was of course living here while I was at Auburn finishing my last semester. But the thing I lacked was a job. Of course, God being who God is, showed up and came through. Which is now where I work at the gym. The Lord is faithful, that is something I have learned these 10 months (almost) of marriage.

But here we are now, no apartment in Atlanta, no job for me. Atlanta overwhelms me. There is so much opportunity there, but because there is so much, I don't even know where to begin. This is for jobs AND living situation. It's scary not having a place to live right now, and not having a job. The job I am not too worried about, although I believe I will go crazy if I don't have something to occupy my time. But I have to recall, God is faithful. Let me tell you the journey.

Zane applied for this position in hopes of going to GT this summer (2013). His professor decided that it would be better if he went in January 2014 and continued throughout the summer. It helps that his professor is also going to GT and Zane works directly under him.  Here is what I have to recall to show that God is faithful.

1. GT accepted Zane and said they would pay him. GT does not just pay people. It is a very difficult program to get into, and when Zane was accepted there for Graduate School, they didn't offer him any financial aid. But now, a yearish later, Zane is going to GT to WORK.

2. Zane gets to keep his scholarship to VT, meaning we do not have to pay out of state tuition for his 3 hour class he has to take in the Spring. Out of State is expensive.... as newlywed with not much money this is SUCH a blessing. Zane will be working half time at GT and then have his scholarship from VT.

3. In August, we told our apartment that we were leaving in January and we would like a subleaser for the Spring term. I was extremely skeptical because who would want to live in an apartment in a college town for only one semester. I was very afraid that we were going to have to pay 2 apartment rents and it stressed me out. Of course, God being who God is, and after much prayer, someone SUBLEASED FROM US. Glory Glory Glory.

That is really all I have got. But 3 things are better than none. Really all I have to do is think back to a year ago. I recall so many verses that bring me to tears thinking how wonderful and faithful God is. One I really enjoy and I think it has become my favorite because I have used it as a lifeline for more than a year now is 1st Thessalonians 5:24 "He who has called you, will remain faithful." I have to cling to that. I just have to. It gives me peace, and hope. He has remained faithful. He was faithful when we looked for an apartment in Blacksburg and found one that held out for us. He was faithful when Zane's apartment in Auburn SOLD in a short time. He was faithful when I was offered more hours at the gym. He was faithful when we found a church we like and friends we love. He was faithful when Zane got a job. He was faithful when Zane got a scholarship. He was faithful we someone rented our apartment from us. How can I doubt that he will be faithful when it comes to finding a home for us in Atlanta? How can I doubt that he will be faithful when it's time to fork over all the initial fees for said home? How can I doubt that he will be faithful when it comes to finding a job I love and am passionate about in one of the most influential cities in our Nation?

I can't. It would be dishonoring and selfish to think that.

Naturally it is scary. What we don't know is often scary. When we can't see that far ahead of us, it is scary. I think God's tenderness and mercy live in our scary places. I think in order to know God more and to see Him better, we need to venture into the unknown. I think scary places aren't so scary when we step out in faith into them, and realize God is there, smiling, and waiting with open arms.

Atlanta is a huge step for us. There is so much opportunity there, to be who Zane and I were made to be, individually and together. It's exciting. It's overwhelming. It's refreshing. I believe in Zane so much. I'm so honored to be his bride. I will follow him to the ends of the earth.

My last thoughts (and sorry I am all over the place) is a prayer and a reminder. Something I also went through last year, and hopefully I am more the wiser now than I was then.

"Teach me to number my days (left in Blacksburg), that I might gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12. I can't rush the time I have left here, and sometimes I don't want to. I love our friends. There are some of the greatest people I have ever come in contact with. It is always so fun whenever we get together. There is always laughter, and always Jesus. We all knew that our time in Blacksburg was short, and it is sad that we are leaving, but I would not trade these past 8ish months with our friends for anything. They stand by us, and Zane and I will always stand by them, whether they are in California, South Carolina, China, the Middle East, or Africa. I know we have made friends that will leave a lasting impression. (woah with the sapp).  But I can't rush this time here in Blacksburg. We are NOT in Atlanta yet, meaning we still have people to love, and a calling to fulfill in Virginia.



I think that is all for now.
Until Next time,
Belle

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot older than 22

Hello folks,

I'm writing this from the discomfort of my couch. Day one after surgery, and many thoughts have been running through my mind. I will try to get through this. I am in and out of consciousness so bear with me :)

Surgery went great. Recovery is what the bother is. But I've been thinking. My birthday was last Friday and I turned 22. 21 was long year with many experiences that came along with it. And now that I am 22 and 5 days old, I have experienced a lot more than most people my age. I feel closer to 30 than 20. Just in the year of 21, here is what I experienced:

- I graduated college
- I got married
- I moved to a state at least 8 hours away from everyone I loved and knew no one
- I got a job(almost full time)
- Zane and I support ourselves (almost completely)
- Went through another few rounds of Physical Therapy
- Was threatened with ANOTHER surgery for my shoulder
- Trained for, ran, and completed a half marathon
- Found out that I have a 0% functioning gall bladder
- 4 days into being 22 I have a surgery that removes this organ.

I was having an epiphany. God doesn't give us anything he can't handle. I was terrified of the surgery. I was reading the bible and I had a verse that calmed me down.  "I lie down and sleep. I wake up again because the Lord supports me." Psalm 3:5. Zane laughed at me saying, "well this is literal". Whatever works. I know who supports me. Today I've been reading the bible off and on, mostly because I can't stay awake for more than 30 minutes, especially in the morning when I am feeling extra sickly.

Today I had a great one, "Those who know your name trust you, O Lord, because you have never deserted those who seek your help." Psalm 9:10.

That's it. God has never deserted me. He will never desert me. He is faithful. I know He is faithful, and I know he will hold me and heal me.

This isn't a long one, because I am nauseous. But God is so good.

Vivian

Fear Staredown

Hello all,

This post is going to be short. Also, sorry it has taken so long for me to update. Quick update on the Franklin life and then I'll get to what I was originally planning on writing.

-Zane leaves for CANADA in two days to speak at a conference. I am so proud of him. It will also be the first night away from him since we got married.
-We love our small group. Those girls have become something extremely special to me, and I'm so very thankful we have them.
-We live in college town during football season. It makes me miss Auburn but hate everything about football season. I work Saturday mornings and it is TERRIBLE trying to get to work on time when everyone floods to BBurg to watch dem Hokies play!
-I ran a half marathon about a month ago.
-I've been sick for a month. And this is where we will pick up.

So I've been pretty sick for a month. Just unbearable nausea. It's been miserable. I've tried to stay positive but it was hard. I laid down every night. The clothes and dishes wouldn't get done for days at a time just because I felt so terrible.  Most people thought or tried to convince me that I was pregnant. I believe them for a little bit because my nausea would NOT go away, and making me a miserable human being. Well I took 2 pregnancy test - not pregnant. The next day I scheduled a doctors appointment, this was out of control. The doctor was great, he didn't stick me with tons of needles or put me through unnecessary tests.  Luckily for me, I work with children and the stomach flu was going around, which almost guaranteed that I would receive that beautiful bug. He gave me a week. Well a week later, I was still on the edge, I still felt miserable. So Zane and I went back to the doctor. I made them give me another test, because well, I took home tests and this was the doctors, and I wanted answers. Good news, I wasn't pregnant, Bad news, they think something is really wrong with my gallbladder. They schedule me for an ultra sound (which was yesterday) it was terrible, but really cool at the same time. I mean I got to look at my organs. Hello. Awesome.

About twenty four hours later, I get a phone call with my results. I wasn't expecting much because well the doctor told me he thought that I wouldn't get anything back with the ultrasound and then I would have to take a more serious test. Well, I get the call and they tell me that the results show that I have a 0% functioning gallbladder and I need to meet with the surgeon to have it removed. Thursday 1 Vivian 0. NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING. Something inside my body just failed. It stopped working. And now I have to have surgery to get it removed. And I'm freaking out majorly. Not to mention I'm at work when this is happening and low and behold I start crying. Tears everywhere. I'm trying to call Zane, my mom, anyone to answer. I'm actually praying "Why?"

I try really hard not to pray a "why me?" prayer. It seems selfish. Heck it is selfish. But I was scared. This may not seem like a huge deal to you, and I guess I don't know the full extent of it, but I am(was) freaking out. HUGE fears started to creep in. For example: What if because I have to take medicine for the rest of my life for my body to function properly, I can't have children? or I can become pregnant but not carry all the way through? What if because of this it does something to a future child? Very REAL and very SCARY fears? And to be honest, I started to have staredown with my fears.

It's one of those things it felt like I was staring at them and they were staring at me. Who was going to give. All the while, I kept saying to myself, I know I trust God. I trust Jesus with everything. And I literally got done talking to my friend about Isaiah 53 and how that verse is so REAL when it comes to sickness. BUT I know God is good. I know he loves me. I know he comforts me.
Then I had this, I don't know, vision of sorts. I'm staring my fear down, and THEY GIVE FIRST. Victory is mine. I know why they gave first. It is because I have something bigger than them. SomeONE that is not afraid of sickness or surgery. Someone who is greater and stronger than any fear. In my corner, I have Jesus. He is the over-comer of Death and all things associated with it. I am such at peace and so calm (now) towards the situation, because I know who holds me in His hands. I know who protects me and heals me. I don't doubt who He is, or what He says He will do.

I'm meeting with the surgeon on Monday.

Jesus is my banner of Victory. He is my Provider. He is my Comfort and He is my Healer.

Vivian

I Married Up

Hello World,

We had a fantastic week away. It was so nice and so relaxing to get to see parents and siblings and friends. Mostly I loved spending constant amount of time with my husband. I work anywhere between 7 and 10 hours a day, on average, so I don't see him very much during the week.

We didn't get many pictures but we got a whole lot of sunburn :) on our vacation. It was really good but I'm glad to be back in the Burg.

Whilst away, I had many a conversations with Zane and had many pondering thoughts myself. That's where this blog comes in.

Before I get to going I need to disclaimer: the title may be deceiving. I am in no way bashing my upbringing/family/and/or self. I love my family and I am the most confident I have ever been in my entire life right now. I am confident in my appearance. I am confident in my walk with Christ. I am confident in my marriage (well as much as I can be for 7 months. I know I have so much more to learn and do :) ). So that being said let's get started.


As I said before, the title may be deceiving. In this way I think the word "Married" is what going to trip someone up. The blog has NOTHING and EVERYTHING to do with marriage. It is a topic that has been heavily on my heart. It is something I struggle with. It is something I see and admire in Zane because when he does this he looks like Jesus. What is this topic, you say? SelfLESSness

Whoo wee, that's a strong topic. Selflessness. What does that even mean? Well if you look it up in the dictionary, it basically states that you have no concern for your own interests. I think this is interesting but I think there is something else. When I think of a selfless person, I think of someone who would go out of their way to do something for somebody, and not complain about it. I think it is someone who believes in peoples dreams and wants to do everything in their power to help them accomplish them. I think it is someone who puts their thoughts and ideas aside so that some one else can have their dreams. It is someone who willingly comes in 2nd. I definitely don't think it means you have no concern for your own interest, I think it just means that Your concern is that Other people receive whatever they are interested in.

Marriage is the place where you must be selfless. Selfishness destroys a marriage and selflessness prospers in a marriage. Two selfish people think only of themselves and how their spouse can benefit them. Two selfless people in a marriage think only of their spouses and how their own actions affect their spouse. It's quite beautiful. Now when I say I married up, I married up. Zane is the most selfless person I know. I can't even begin to count the ways. And mostly I come up short, which leads me to wonder, how can a person be selfless.

Zane is wonderful and selflessness comes so naturally (it seems) to him. I need to WORK to be selfless, which is not selfless(I think).

So any ideas?? The most obvious one is fall more in love with Jesus. When you fall in love with Jesus, his desires become your desires. Jesus, who was the most selfless man EVER, leads us into a life that looks like HIS when we fall more in love with him.

Which is why we(I) will always marry up. Jesus is the ULTIMATE MARRYING UP MAN. No one can compete with him. How glorious that day, being the bride of Christ.

Until that day, I need to work at selflessness. Putting aside my desires and putting the desires of those around me above my own. Especially Zane's.

Ephesians 5 says


²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Like I said, I need a lot of work. Zane has got his part down.

Not sure this quite got all my thoughts out. It's a weird thought process and I may have forgotten some things. I rest in the fact knowing that I'm still growing. I don't want to be selfish, and my desire is to be selfless, but like all things in life, you have to work hard at it. I think the more you work at it, the easier it becomes and the more likely it becomes who you are. You become selfless. Focusing on Jesus, falling in love with him, becoming more like him. Then you become selfless.