Fear Staredown

Hello all,

This post is going to be short. Also, sorry it has taken so long for me to update. Quick update on the Franklin life and then I'll get to what I was originally planning on writing.

-Zane leaves for CANADA in two days to speak at a conference. I am so proud of him. It will also be the first night away from him since we got married.
-We love our small group. Those girls have become something extremely special to me, and I'm so very thankful we have them.
-We live in college town during football season. It makes me miss Auburn but hate everything about football season. I work Saturday mornings and it is TERRIBLE trying to get to work on time when everyone floods to BBurg to watch dem Hokies play!
-I ran a half marathon about a month ago.
-I've been sick for a month. And this is where we will pick up.

So I've been pretty sick for a month. Just unbearable nausea. It's been miserable. I've tried to stay positive but it was hard. I laid down every night. The clothes and dishes wouldn't get done for days at a time just because I felt so terrible.  Most people thought or tried to convince me that I was pregnant. I believe them for a little bit because my nausea would NOT go away, and making me a miserable human being. Well I took 2 pregnancy test - not pregnant. The next day I scheduled a doctors appointment, this was out of control. The doctor was great, he didn't stick me with tons of needles or put me through unnecessary tests.  Luckily for me, I work with children and the stomach flu was going around, which almost guaranteed that I would receive that beautiful bug. He gave me a week. Well a week later, I was still on the edge, I still felt miserable. So Zane and I went back to the doctor. I made them give me another test, because well, I took home tests and this was the doctors, and I wanted answers. Good news, I wasn't pregnant, Bad news, they think something is really wrong with my gallbladder. They schedule me for an ultra sound (which was yesterday) it was terrible, but really cool at the same time. I mean I got to look at my organs. Hello. Awesome.

About twenty four hours later, I get a phone call with my results. I wasn't expecting much because well the doctor told me he thought that I wouldn't get anything back with the ultrasound and then I would have to take a more serious test. Well, I get the call and they tell me that the results show that I have a 0% functioning gallbladder and I need to meet with the surgeon to have it removed. Thursday 1 Vivian 0. NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING. Something inside my body just failed. It stopped working. And now I have to have surgery to get it removed. And I'm freaking out majorly. Not to mention I'm at work when this is happening and low and behold I start crying. Tears everywhere. I'm trying to call Zane, my mom, anyone to answer. I'm actually praying "Why?"

I try really hard not to pray a "why me?" prayer. It seems selfish. Heck it is selfish. But I was scared. This may not seem like a huge deal to you, and I guess I don't know the full extent of it, but I am(was) freaking out. HUGE fears started to creep in. For example: What if because I have to take medicine for the rest of my life for my body to function properly, I can't have children? or I can become pregnant but not carry all the way through? What if because of this it does something to a future child? Very REAL and very SCARY fears? And to be honest, I started to have staredown with my fears.

It's one of those things it felt like I was staring at them and they were staring at me. Who was going to give. All the while, I kept saying to myself, I know I trust God. I trust Jesus with everything. And I literally got done talking to my friend about Isaiah 53 and how that verse is so REAL when it comes to sickness. BUT I know God is good. I know he loves me. I know he comforts me.
Then I had this, I don't know, vision of sorts. I'm staring my fear down, and THEY GIVE FIRST. Victory is mine. I know why they gave first. It is because I have something bigger than them. SomeONE that is not afraid of sickness or surgery. Someone who is greater and stronger than any fear. In my corner, I have Jesus. He is the over-comer of Death and all things associated with it. I am such at peace and so calm (now) towards the situation, because I know who holds me in His hands. I know who protects me and heals me. I don't doubt who He is, or what He says He will do.

I'm meeting with the surgeon on Monday.

Jesus is my banner of Victory. He is my Provider. He is my Comfort and He is my Healer.

Vivian