Hello All,
I feel like maybe I should clear some things up. I think that maybe I gave off the wrong idea. Yes marriage is hard. Yes it's difficult being here where we know no one and have no community. But doesn't that make what Abba is trying to teach us so much sweeter. It is pure and straight from Him because He is literally our only Source right now. It's humbling and beautiful.
I'm having this epiphany sitting in my kitchen floor, crying, listening to worship music (wait for it) in German. I know it's my major, but a lot of what is said in German in the context of Christianity is difficult, and definitely for people who know the language personally and not have just learned it from school. Granted I know a good amount of German and I pride myself in that, but there is something so humbling and wonderful of not completely understanding all the words and just feeling the warmth and love of the Holy Spirit wash over me.
Then it got me thinking about something wonderful: Heaven.
What a glorious place it will be. Goodness I'm so excited!! Being still fresh from the wedding and thinking about that special day with my Batman only excites me more about the more fabulous Wedding that will take place. I'm thinking back to my whole relationship with Z and the engagement was the WORST. The waiting and planning and waiting and waiting and waiting, hoping that the day would HOPEFULLY arrive. It was stressful, anxious, tearful, and downright miserable (sorry to all the brides to be's out there). What I think was the worst for me, was that for majority of our engagement, I was away from Zane, physically. It was terrible. There were days that I just needed a hug from my best friend, and welp he's halfway across the planet, or 8 hours away. I'm not sure which one was worse: the 7 hour time difference and being separated by a whole ocean and then some countries, or the fact he was a mere 8 hours away, and I could make the drive, but it would be dumb, financially, and physically just because of our schedules...
That's beside the point: rabbit trail. Welcome to my life.....
Anyways, I think that's what this side of heaven is like. The engagement. During the engagement, I didn't think I could love Zane anymore than I did, but alas as we are now married and I love him more everyday. This excites me even more for Heaven, because I think on this side of heaven, I love Jesus a lot. It grows with everyday. But in Heaven when I am with my BrideGroom then holy moly, there will be a love like no other. I think this love on earth I feel for my Savior is a mere fraction of the amount of love and desire that will take place in Heaven. I can't wait for it!
Which Heaven makes me think of something wonderful. I cried while I was washing dishes listening to Hillsong Deutsch, and I felt something I have only ever felt two other times, which is why I know Abba is sitting next to me in the kitchen right now. I'm singing what I know in German, and what I don't know I sing in English. It's overwhelming me to the point of holy tears. Goodness I love the beauty of foreign languages. I love how raw they are, how exposed they are and how they expose you. I love that one day, I will be singing my little heart out in Heaven, with someone who speaks Hebrew, some one who speaks Chinese, someone who speaks Spanish, some one who speaks German, you get the picture, and it is going to the be the most beautiful sound in all of creation. I'm honored Daddy wants me to be a part of it.
The two other times I have felt the Holy Spirit in a holy moment like this is when I was in a church service in Mexico. I have a beautiful mexican family on my left, and my English speaking group on my right. The church played a song in Spanish that we also knew in English. I was trying to sing in Spanish, when I felt like I just needed to stop and listen. It's amazing what can happen to a person, when they stop whatever they are doing and just listening to the still small voice. I'm listening to this family sing the song in Spanish and my group sing it in English. It knocked me to my knees. I saw a glimpse of what Heaven will be like. And buddy, it's going to be like that forever!! Three of my absolute favorite things : Jesus, worship, languages.
The second time was at Passion. Imagine 44,000 college students gathering together to worship. A chinese woman boldly coming to the stage and praying for us in Chinese(I'm crying thinking about my beloved China), then after that Chris Tomlin comes to the stage and 5 other people from different countries come out and they all sing a song each chiming in with a verse in their own language. I'm on my knees again. Worshiping the beautiful Savior who is not bound by languages. He understands every language. I think back to that moment and it's a little more special because Zane was there. He and one of my greatest friends and then Zane's best friend were all there. All four of us came together and prayed for the nations. That's a humbling experience and can probably rank as a top 10 favorite memory. I didn't care I was snotting all over the place and coughing from not breathing, I wouldn't have wanted to share that moment with anyone else.
If you know me, you know my face is probably raw now from thinking and talking about China and Jesus and whatever. Yay. It's been good because Daddy is sitting on the kitchen floor with me. He knows my heart. He knows what I am thinking and feeling. It's been special.
I was reading in The Circle Maker this week. It's amazing I haven't finished this book yet, but that's besides the point. Mark Batterson said something crazy, that made me think. I can't find it in the book, but he was saying something along the lines of prayer isn't just words. It's how you honor the Lord. It's actions. I think sometimes I feel so bad that I am not actually talking to Jesus about something.
But thinking about worshiping Jesus. Sitting on my kitchen floor singing along as best I can with my Deutsch worship album. Crying over how great He is and has been. Crying that He showed up and loved me in a way that brought holy tears. Thinking about China and describing wonderful things He has done. I may not have even said anything about the country of China but I talked about it at work and since then it's been on my heart all week. I think this honors God, and has drawn me to Him in a new way. I'm not denying the other way, because prayer is important, and kind of awesome. But sometimes it's one-sided. It's been nice to just sit and relax in the Holy Presence. It reminds me of an Old Testament story.
I'm not sure if you remember from an earlier post, but I am and Old Testament Junkie. I love the history. I love the stories and how there is SO much to learn from them. Anyways there is a story in 1st Kings 19:9
Let me set it up. Elijah a very famous prophet has run away. I'm rusty on the details, but he was afraid, and ran for his life. He ends up in a cave on the side of the mountain, and an Word of the Lord came to him. (Hope you don't mind if I do a few bible verses, I don't want to take away the powerfulness that is of this verse... ps it's kinda long, but absolutely worth it.)
10. He (Elijah) said "I have been very zealous for the Lord, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your alters and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away."
11. So He (God) said, "Go forth and stand on the mountain before the Lord." And behold, the Lord was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind, an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12. After the earthquake, a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of gentle blowing. 13. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
- Elijah gives his spiel and then you know what, in this holy moment, God tells Elijah what is next. Where he should go.
I don't think we need a sermon for those verses. They are clear. Very clear to me. Maybe it's because I feel like Elijah. But I know the Word of God is with me, and then in the right moment God shows up and shows off. I'm not worried about where Zane and I are churching or who will be our best friends while we are here. What I do know, is that it's the gentle blowing, the still, and quiet that Daddy tells us what He want's us to hear. It would make sense if there was an earthquake and the booming thundering voice of the God Almighty came and told us the decision. I think we need to wait those out and wait for the right moment, listening, not talking, but definitely expecting. And expecting the unexpected because that is to be expected of Jesus, to be unexpected. He's faithful in that. And He remains faithful in showing up. Ask Elijah, Moses, Peter, John, Paul, anyone who has known Jesus for more than a year. He is faithful. I don't doubt him :).
If you stayed through this, thank you for going on this emotional Jesus filled journey with me. It's so nice to share it with you.
Love you all,
Belle
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