You Are Not Alone

I debated writing this post all night. But here I am, open and extremely vulnerable. I've gone through a lot of pain and this post is the accumulation of that. I'm not entirely sure how it will end, I'm sort of giving myself over to the words, because this is hard for me. 

I have a friend. She is the best. Literally. She is my best friend. She rejoiced on the mountain top with me, and walked through the valleys with me and vice versa. She is my life long friend. And I've known her about 8 years. A little bit longer. A while ago, probably at the cusp of our friendship, we made up a place, or really just named it - the island. (At least I think we made this up, I honestly have no clue, but she's the only one I talk to about this because she's the only one who understands it.) 

The island is tricky, because you don't know you are on your way there until you've showed up. The island is the place where you feel so alone, isolated, like there is no escape. Often times it comes up in the hardest times of your life. You feel like no one understands what you are going through, you feel so much hurt and pain that you draw into yourself, or push others away (without realizing you are doing it). The island is where the enemy rejoices, but he feeds you the lie that you are alone, unwanted, undeserving of love. A lot of times, when I end up here, I have never lost sight of Jesus. But a lot of times, when I end up here, I don't stay for as long as I have this time. 

I've been on the island for about half a year now, probably. Maybe longer, who knows. And this island is different, I feel like I am in the middle of the desert. I have lost sight of Jesus, I don't know which way is up, I don't know what is around me, and I am utterly alone (it's what it feels like). I feel like I can't even find the shore. 

The island is a scary place to be, especially for me, someone who thrives around other people. I get my energy from others, I feel revitalized, and lately it seems like it's just me hanging out on the island. It zaps you of your energy, your emotions are in a turmoil, and more times than not, you cry. It's extremely lonely and extremely heartbreaking.

Life, emotionally, has not been easy for me lately. I feel alone, unwanted, thirsty, tired, helpless, purposelessness, and sad. So very sad. And a myriad of other things as well. But don't get me wrong, I do have good days too.

Today was not one of them. A few key things happened to me today that led to me to this post.

It started out in the car on the way home from work. Nothing special happened at all today, but I was sitting in traffic and it just hit me in the heart so hard. It's like Satan took a baseball swing at my heart, made contact, and hit a home run. It happened so fast too. I'm sitting on my exit (so like 5-10 min from my apartment) and I just got overwhelmed with sadness. I called it a "sad attack" and I think that name is going to stay. I started crying, looking like a blubbering fool to whoever was stopped next to me. And I realized something, the island, it's got me, it's got me good, and it's got me deep. Still sitting (thank you, Atlanta traffic), I decided to text my friend I told you about earlier. She could be in the middle of finals, not slept a wink, exhausted from the world pulling her 1000 ways, and if I text her about the island, I know I'll get a text back, a call back, or a prayer. Sometimes all three. So I just texted her, "I need prayer. The desert island is so lonely. I'm so expletive lonely. I miss Jesus. I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel purposelessness and sad and like I'm all alone. I'm just struggling. And I know you would understand." (I put the phone down) and drove home. Once at home, the sad attack was so bad, I just crawled into bed for a bit. Zane then texted me he was coming home, and I started to cry again. Now I felt like a failure. He was coming home, the house was a wreck (still is a bit), and dinner wasn't ready. To be honest, I hadn't even started it yet. So I told him that. I said, "I had a sad attack so I came home and got in the bed, dinner hasn't been started yet, I'm sorry." 

It takes Zane 10-20 minutes to get home. Today it felt like 5. As soon as he got home, he took his shoes off and climbed in the bed with me. He asked me what was wrong and held onto me while I cried. He is a good man. A great man. He then pulled over the tablet and asked me to pull up the recipe I was planning for dinner, and then he got up and went to make it. (Seriously, he's the best). I started crying again, tears of gratefulness. I got out of the bed to help him, and before I knew it we were sitting down to dinner and he just pulls me against him and prays for me, and against everything that is trying to harm me. Fresh tears (if you don't already know, crying is my expression for everything). 

The night goes on, and we play a game and we relax and we laugh, and then I get a text. (I was trying not to dwell on the fact that I didn't get a response from my friend from earlier), but what I got was even better. 

She sent me a picture, one that I love and said to me "I was in the middle of making this for you actually, and wanted to wait to respond for a sec." And oh goodness, if I wasn't crying before, I sure was now. In this instant, I felt so loved, and cherished, and like someone cared about me. I felt the Father's arms wrap around me for a split second and it was almost like it was HIS whisper telling me, "You are not alone." I felt like I could see the shore again. That I saw someone who was there, building a raft, someone who sent a search party, someone who missed me while I was gone. In that moment, it was like I realized I had a compass and it was pointing me north, and I just had to take the next step. It was a healing balm to my very tender and aching heart. Not completely healed, but not as hurt. 

I tell you all this to show you a) what I've been going through b) to encourage you that you are not alone (if you are like me and find yourself on the island) and c) to help point out some things and some possible next steps. 

I needed someone, anyone, to show me this, that I am worth it, especially when I don't feel like it. But the first thing I realized I needed to do what recognize where I was - the island. The second thing I needed to do was reach out, in bravery, in courage, and TELL SOMEONE. I told the two people I trust most in the world with this situation. Two people who have stood the test of time with me, two people who would walk through fire with me, the two people who've seen me at my worst, nursed me back from (all kinds) of health, and who fight for me even if I am acting terrible. It feels like, in the worst of it, that these people don't exist, but they do, I swear they do. And thirdly, I waited. I waited for the Lord, because reaching out to someone like that is a plea to the Lord. I know he heard my desperation, my tears have been collected today, and I know he saw my pain. I waited to see what would happen, and my two people came through. Hugs and service, and words (and a beautiful picture). 

One thing I know about the island, but I get tunnel vision when I am here, is that there are always people on the island, there are always people on the boat, throwing life rafts to you, you are one step away from the closeness you so desire. When you take the blinders off, you see the beauty of community, even if for the moment it's two people, two solid people. But in those moments of clarity, in those moments of hugs and service and words (or whatever you are experiencing) you realize, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Trust me when I say it, you are not alone. 

Breaking the Mold

This past weekend, one of my dearest friends came to visit me. She is the kind of friend that we can talk about anything and everything, and then it always gets brought back to Jesus. That is the kind of friend you should have in your life. Anyway, we were riding along in the car talking about life, when the subject of "Spiritual Leadership" came up. I got so fired up about the subject, that she asked me to write this blog post.


For the longest time, I bought into the idea that spiritual leadership had to look a certain way, especially when it came to my marriage. I would see these men, who were leaders in the church, and I expected that to be how my marriage looked. These were the men, who spoke on stage, lead many groups, pretty much over all aspects. When you watched they way they lead their families, you could see how they family functioned. Often times, I expected that they would pray together every day, read the Bible together, they do all of these "spiritual" things together and it was the man who started that.

That is not how my marriage works.

I was extremely discouraged for a bit, but that was before I realized that there is more than one way to lead your wife spiritually.

The church often says, "You need to be the man in the house. You need to lead your wife. ETC." but I feel they've fallen short on saying how you can do that, or encouraging men in the way they are already made to lead. And as a woman, I heard that, and only ever saw men leading in the one specific way. Jesus, in all His goodness, softened my heart and opened my eyes.

Zane is the exact spiritual leader this family needs.

The longer I am married to him, the more I realize how much he looks like Jesus, and wasn't Jesus the Ultimate leader? I would rather have my husband look like Jesus as a leader than what I expect a leader to look like formed from my own opinions.

He is a quiet man, but a strong man. He is wise, he is funny. He serves like no one I have ever met, and he doesn't do it for recognition, he does it because he truly cares for these people. I don't think people realize how much he actually does. He leads in the way he walks into whatever room I am in and say "Listen to how sarcastic Jesus is" and then proceeds to read a part of scripture he just encountered and saw Jesus as the human he was. He also leads in the way of getting up and going to work everyday. He provides for our tiny family. He leads in showing me grace and forgiveness. Like when I accidentally burn something or forget to call somebody or don't buy something he needs. He just wraps his arms around me and gives me unconditional grace. He is a leader by sending me a text that says, "I am proud of your tv career". It seems silly, but me doing something small like that is important to me, and he recognizes it and breathes encouragement into it. It's him seeing my strengths and encouraging me in them. It's him noticing that the trash needs to be taken out and so he does it. It's him hugging me when I have a bad day. It's him texting me saying, "just prayed for you." It's him texting me a simple "I love you."

We don't have specific times where we sit and pray together. And sometimes we might read the Bible together, but it's never out loud. We are both just hanging out with Jesus but in our own ways. We tried to do it like how I expected it to look and it was forced and really awkward. But now that I recognize that Zane leads the way that the Lord intended for him to lead and how the Lord leads, our marriage has flourished.

Jesus did pray, and he did preach, and he did have those moments. And they are good moments. But Jesus also looked at Peter and encouraged him to step out of the boat and to do something terrifying. Jesus looked at Peter and said, "I'm building my house on YOU." Jesus let John snuggle up to him. Jesus protected us all when he went to the cross. Jesus shouted from the rooftops, "I love you" when he rose from the grave so we could hang out with him forever. The way my husband leads is a reflection of those moments. And I love it.

Are You Available?

There is something so special about finding your niche.

Our church does this thing called D-groups, which is Discipleship groups. There is a leader and that leader has a group of people interested in learning more about Jesus. I have been wanting to lead one of these for about a year now but never really got around to signing up. After talking with Zane, we decided we wanted to lead a group of college students this summer. It was so exciting to find something we were both passionate about and we really wanted to get involved with our church! This seemed perfect for us.

About two or three days before the meet-up, where the leaders and the students would meet for the first time, we got emails explaining the process and giving us the names of the students we would be leading this summer! I was so excited to get my email with my two girls, immediately started praying for the summer, praying that they would experience Jesus in new ways. I was so excited! I then checked my email again, and there was an email apologizing to the men group leaders. Not enough guys signed up, therefore Zane didn't have any guys to lead this summer. That was a bit sad, we were looking forward to doing this together this summer, having students in our home, and loving on them. The email said that if the guy leaders wanted to come to the meet-up anyway, there may be a few show-ups who didn't give advance notice. So we decided Zane should go anyway. Even if no one showed up, Zane could talk to the guys in charge and it wouldn't be a big deal.

About twenty minutes into the meet-up, they split us up into our groups to get to know each other. Would you believe that Zane was the only guy to show up from the leader email saying not enough college guys could show up? Well he was, and you know what, exactly two guys showed up who had not given the advanced notice. All because Zane said, I'll be there, just in case, and now he has two guys he gets to teach this summer.

We decided to join our two groups, to see how it would work for the summer. Zane and I both have something to offer to these students. We are completely different, but we make a great team. I think this summer is going to be one for the books, because we maybe found our niche.

So, are you available? For those instances where it really is only just in case? I think there is something special about that. Making yourself available gives way for Jesus to use you. I absolutely believe in my husband and I know that these two young men will be forever changed by the wisdom and love my husband so freely gives. And I think Zane will learn something too. I already have.

Belle

From the Mouth of Babes

Hello people,

I'm so bad at this. There has been multiple instances where I could have/ should have blogged, I just didn't. Life just got in the way.

So today, I was scrolling through a twitter feed which was just videos of children being children. I laughed a lot. I cried a little. But I sat here thinking that children are so ridiculously pure, it's wonderful. They say some of the funniest things, some of the truest things, some of the bravest things. They are fearless, most of the time. There was one video that stuck out to me, it made me smile and it made me cry, because often from the mouth of babes, Jesus speaks to our heart and soothes our soul.

This kid was about to jump in the pool but balked. He looked worried for half a second then stood up tall and proclaimed with confidence, "I am brave. I am strong. The Lord made me strong, and I am going to jump In. This. Pool." And you know what he backed up ran 3 steps and jumped in the water! He did it! And then he got out of the pool and laughed at the freedom of facing a fear.

It seriously moved me. I was crying at something so small as jumping in the pool but this kid knew who he was and what the Lord said about him. I think with everything that has been going on in life recently, I just need to stand up tall and proclaim, "I am brave. I am strong. The Lord has made me strong! And I will do this." And then jump, ready for the freedom that comes from facing my fears.

Belle

The Waiting Game

Have you ever waited expectantly for something? Better yet, have you ever wanted something so bad and then had to wait for an answer?

That is my current season of life. Like it stinks. I finally got a place where I decided that Nursing School is what I wanted. And then I got to a place, while taking the test, I was okay if I didn't get into Nursing School, and even though I thought I wanted it, Jesus was still good if He said no. Now both of these things till ring true today. I still want to get into nursing school. I will also be okay if Jesus says no. It's just a difficult place now, because all I'm doing is waiting. I literally can do nothing right now to help my cause for nursing school. It's an interesting thing to experience, to be at a loss of control.

It's interesting, because what is Jesus trying to teach me? I think it has little to do with patience (even though that is a thing he is teaching me, because waiting is all about patience), but it has to do with this being out of my control. I have to constantly give my desires, thoughts, dreams, insecurities, everything to Jesus, because only HE controls the outcome of anything in my life. And that is soooooo comforting to me. It takes the stress out of this waiting game knowing that the Creator of the Universe holds my world in the palms of His hands!

So now, I just sit back and relax, expectant that Jesus still has so much more to teach me during this process and knowing no matter the outcome, he has planned and ordained it for me. While I may not understand whatever the outcome is or whatever process He decides to take me through, I know "His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts."

Jesus and the Five Love Languages

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? If not, you should, because it is phenomenal. It can transform your marriage, friendships, and even recognize things you never knew about yourself. I read it a few years ago, after already knowing about the 5 love languages. I love talking about this stuff because, it is living tangible proof of how different everyone is and how one thing can seem insignificant to one person and the exact same thing can make a person feel as much love as their "love tank" can fill. When I ask people, "What is your love language?" I am really asking, "How do you feel the most loved?" There are 5 main ones: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
For me, words of affirmation can take me the distance. For example, Zane rolled over in the bed the other night and looked at my face for a moment and said, "You are so beautiful." Then he proceeded to turn on the television and we watched another episode of Boy Meets World before falling asleep. But after he said those 4 words, my heart felt like it grew and there was so much I was feeling for that man. He didn't expect anything in return, he just wanted to show me how much he cared about me. And that is just one example.
Anyway, I started thinking about Jesus and the 5 love languages. They are probably two of my favorite topics. As I was thinking about this a little light dinged on in my head, that Jesus is the absolute fulfillment of each of the love languages. He expresses each at 100%. I just love that about him. And this is not just some, ah Jesus is the one true King so he is able to do everything, and I'm just going to blindly believe that. No. Scripture is filled with how the Lord gives his people 100% of the love they need, no matter what it looks like. I can give some examples.

1. Words of Affirmation: Basically the whole Bible is one big love letter from our Prince to us. He calls us worthy, he calls us children, he calls us loved (Psalm 139, Ephesians 2, Matthew 6, Galatians 3, John 3, All of Song of Solomon). There is so much written in that book that tells us what he truly thinks about each and every single one of us

2. Quality Time: This one is cool. Quality time means you feel loved when someone takes time out of their day to spend time with you. All of their attention is on you, and you could sit and talk about nothing, or go to the park, or watch a movie, or other things. The Bible says "Come to me" (Matthew 6), or "Draw near to me and I will draw near to you" (James 4). Jesus went up on the mountain to spend time with God. That is what He wants, to spend time with you.

3. Gifts: This one is hard for me to comprehend because its not one of mine. I've gotten used to it, because Zane loves to receive gifts but he also loves to give gifts. I think this one is really clear. You feel loved with someone gives you something tangible. I think Abba loves this one, or rather, I think this one has a special place in his heart. The Bible talks about how the Lord is the "giver of all good things" (James 1). 1st Corinthians talks about the gifts of the Holy Spirit, meaning the Jesus will give US those gifts. They are for us and they want us to be used by him. But I think the greatest gift of all, is the blood shed on the cross for our sins. Christ went there for us, gave his life, so that I could hang out with God the Father forever. (Romans 6)

4. Acts of Service: Acts of Service is interesting to me. I grew up in a church that encouraged serving. Serve and serve well and Jesus knows that you love him. It has opened my eyes and slowly moved this one up the chain (as well as learning to be a wife) in my own personal love languages. While that's fine and dandy, Jesus was the ultimate servant. He says, "I came to serve, not be served" (Matthew 20). He washes the disciples feet (John 13). And most importantly, he took the cross on our behalf.

5. Physical Touch: I left this one for last because it intrigues me most. This is last on my list, mostly because I am perfectly content with going a whole day or more without touching anybody (except my husband). But Jesus, he is different (obviously). He welcomed little children into his arms (Matthew 19). When he healed people, he almost always touched them. And perhaps one of my favorite passages in scripture, truly showed how personal and loving Jesus is. John and Jesus are the final supper and they are just hanging out on the couches talking about Jesus' upcoming betrayal and this tiny scene takes place. If you are looking for it, you possibly have missed it. "The was reclining on Jesus' bosom one of His disciples, whom he loved. He leaned back unto Jesus' bosom and said..." (John 13:23,25) Hold up for one minute, John (who called himself the one who Jesus loved... but that's for a different day) was so comfortable and so loved by Jesus that he just SNUGGLED UP TO HIM. And Jesus let him, like this was so causal of him.
 
 All of these can be experienced today. I for one have experienced all of them. Often times, it is in unconventional methods, but that is who Jesus is. He is unconventional, but he also loves us. There undoubtedly more in scripture that will illuminate more of this love he has for us. I barely scraped the surface, but if we ask, we will receive. And that is a promise.

Saturdays Down South

We are almost done with the college football season. Whew. I mean I love college football, but I'm hitting that time of the season where I want my Saturday's back. It's getting interesting and some of the best games have yet to be played, yes, but I always seem to hit this slump around this time.

STILL, I love football. And most people in the SEC LOVE football. I would go to say as they love it too much. The reason I say this is because I listen to the Paul Finebaum show, mostly on my drives to and from Birmingham every week. And today's really really hurt my heart.

I'm sitting here listening to the show, actually watching it, and some guy calls in and basically goes off on the Georgia team. There was so much negativity coming from this guy, yelling, saying negative things about the players, and I wanted to cry. I don't even like Georgia that much, but I found my heart breaking for the team and I wanted to call that guy and tell him to cool down. And there are people like this for every team and it breaks my heart.

Sometimes I get a little crazy. I'd like to believe that I'm not distraught when my team loses. I have had to teach myself and often remember a few things, just to keep my sanity, and to keep football in it's place.

1. It is just a game. Saturday's come, Saturday's go. Some games are awesome, some games are just meh. But the key here is that it is just a game. I love cheering on my alma mater, but when the clock hits 00:00, game is over.

2. The players are kids. I often forget about this one. Like some of them were in HIGH SCHOOL last year. Some of them are probably TEENAGERS. Some of them CAN'T BUY ALCOHOL. I often find myself thinking of them as pawns in the game. I forget they are students. I forget they are people. I forget they have feelings. I forget that they are probably where I was in my sophomore, junior, senior year of college, wondering what the heck I was going to do with my life. Hugh Freeze said it perfectly after the Alabama victory: "I am just so proud of these kids and how hard they work."

3. Coaches are people too. This one is difficult because a college football coach's job is to win football  games. But at the end of the game, one of the two coaches is walking away with a L. Still, they have emotions, they have feelings, and now they have to look forward to next week.

4. It is often more than a game. Some of these kids find their families in the football teams. There is a limited amount of time, but the head coaches, coordinators, trainers, whatever, they invest in these young men's lives. Their character (should) be shaped in this time. Their lives off the field should be a priority, more than the game itself.


But I am not a football coach. I'm not an analyst. I'm not even a superfan. I'm just a girl, who likes football, and who wants the best for the guys who walk onto the field every Saturday.