This post is basically for my benefit, and maybe hoping that it can help someone else who feels like they are in the same boat as me. I will mostly be slightly negative but I will try not to be! But if there is anything encouraging, know that it is strictly for my benefit, that I'm typing and believing it.
So as a woman, I struggle with comparing myself to other women. Mostly in the area of relationships. Here's how it trekked. Middle School and High School Vivian was pretty upset that most people had boyfriends, or at least dates to the high school dance. I was never asked to one. single. dance. Sometimes I put on a brave face and pretended like I was too cool for school, but in reality, I would cry myself to sleep sometimes because the boys at VHHS did not notice me. When I found Jesus, I found new identity in who I was, I knew who sustained me and where my worth came from and that was just dandy. Still I struggled with boys, why didn't any of them like me? What was wrong with me? Nothing is the answer. Nothing was wrong with me. Some of us just don't find our dream guy at 16/17.. so yeah. I graduated HS and moved on down to the most beautiful village on the plains.
So college Vivian struggled with marriage. It seemed like every time I got onto some sort of social media, boom someone was engaged. And that was great and I was happy for them, but uh hello???? what about me?? This probably put a ton of strain on my relationship with Zane. We started dating my Sophomore year of college and I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. I was pretty sure he wanted to spend his life with me too, we both knew going into dating that marriage was the end goal. It is kind of a scary decision to make when you are 18 (almost 19!) and 20 years old. Anywho the strain came when I was wanting to be engaged. It seemed like all my friends were getting engaged and even people I didn't know were getting engaged. I wanted it to be me.
I think that was extremely dangerous to think while in school. It is SUCH a dangerous place to compare my life to Suzy Q over there. Dating Zane was awesome! It was so good to get to know him before jumping on the marriage bandwagon. It's harder when my two best friends had gotten engaged and married while I was in school and here I was, knowing I loved Zane, but nothing to show for it.
That is the dangerous place. What was good for them, was NOT good for me at that moment. I cried with Jesus a lot over those times, wondering why this man who loved Jesus, didn't want to commit to me. I was blind. I knew Zane. He was committed to me. I knew that he was committed until the very end, but what I wanted was a title and a label, and glamour. I wanted people to look at me, comment things to me, like my photos, send me texts. My life felt secondhand. It was dumb. Romans says I am a child of God, therefore, I inherit the exact same things Christ inherits. Hello. Talk about treasure.
This brings us to now. Present day Vivian. I believe I am little wiser than I was a year// Year and a half ago. I'll probably look back on this in a year, or even 10 years from now and laugh at my thoughts, hopefully a lot wiser than I am now!
So here's the thing, we've been married 6 months. It's been awesome. I definitely don't want to spend my life with anyone else, and I know if I had a do-over I would still choose Zane. (That's cheesy). I love love love life with Zane. But sometimes I feel like my life gets into that Secondhand place. I feel lesser. And I blame social media. I feel like everywhere I turn my head, babies, babies, babies, babies. Which babies are cool, but now I feel sub par because my little family only consists of 2, not 3 or 4. And on top of that, it seems as soon as people know you are married, they want to know when you are having children. And social media does a good job at pointing the things in your face that someone has and that you SEEM to be lacking.
Well I am here to break that chain. If you are SINGLE, BRAVO. Paul talks in one of his letters that it is better to be single than to be married, because he can do MORE without having to worry about a wife. Think about that for a second, NOTHING is hindering you from Jesus. NOONE is able to step into the place where he is seated. That throne is for Him and Him ALONE. In marriage, it is tricky to add yet another person to that equation. It takes work, but Christ can still sit at the throne in the Center of it all, and a wife can love her husband the way he deserves and is called to love her husband. It can happen. Marriage is such a tool also. A couple united under Jesus is a force to be reckoned with. Unexplainable things, beautiful, holy, powerful things happen because a couple is willing to stand for Christ. And then if you are Pregnant, or have children, BRAVO to you too. You have been entrusted by God the Father to parent one of his children. You are raising up a voice to the next generation. Something that is not taken lightly. Each step of the process is magnificently important.
This leaves me with a comforting thought. I am exactly where I need to be. Not pregnant, not single. Married to a man who looks like Jesus more and more everyday, searching for Him, and doing the best we can as humans to accomplish His purpose. I am so excited for my friends who are having babies. It is very exciting, but as Vivian, who struggles and fails daily, I need to be careful not to compare my life to those around me. Zane and I are where we need to be. We have huge plans for our lives. To be honest, I don't even want a child right now, and I think that's okay. I don't think it's okay to deceive myself into thinking it's not okay. It reminded me of a verse
Ecclesiastes 3
Everything has its own time, and there is a specific time for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born
and a time to die,
a time to plant and
a time to pull out what was planted
a time to kill and
a time to heal,
a time to tear down and
a time to build up
a time to cry and
a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and
a time to dance,
a time to scatter stone and
a time to gather them up
a time to hug and
a time to stop hugging,
a time to start looking and
a time to stop looking,
a time to keep and
a time to throw away,
a time to tear apart and
a time to sew together,
a time to keep quiet and
a time to speak out,
a time to love and
a time to hate,
a time for war and
a time for peace.
(v 1 - 8)
This gives me such encouragement. I know that whenever we decide we would like to maybe start trying to have children, I know that the timing will be of the Lord's and the time for that. Right now, I will enjoy my simplicity of the family of 2, dinner every night, no stress, just simplicity.
If I would to give advice, it would be, enjoy the moment you are in right now. The Lord has something special in store for this very moment. He is wanting to teach you something, show you something beautiful right now. Enjoy the moment, enjoy the lesson. Don't worry about what I am doing, what John or Sarah are doing. Be concerned with what you are doing, what you are learning, what you are experiencing. Life is so much easier that way. Also know this, your life is NOT secondhand. Your life is just as important, where you are RIGHT NOW than any of your friends who, in your eyes, seem to be a bit further along in life. That's rubbish. You are important. Where you are is important. And Jesus loves you more than you could ever know.
Should be it.
Love ya all,
Belle
